A day of challenges

Life is a school, and we are all here to learn lessons, and I have learned many in the past couple weeks. I learned today not to assume all is well at Joe's care home, and to double check everything, and to not always believe what I am told. But I did have my opportunity to share what is happening there with the owners, Peter and Jana, and they are wonderful. I went over to their home this afternoon and we all talked for an hour. Then I went to the care home and stayed another couple hours. I fed Joe his dinner, as was told this morning he could not eat or swallow his pills because the choking was so bad. It was bad this morning, did learn that for sure, but I wanted to be sure he got some nutrition inside of him today. I mashed up a baked potato and put butter and salt on it and he ate all of it. Then Maggie put a piece of baked chicken, well seasoned, with a can of vegetable soup in a blender. Sounds gross to me but didn't look too bad. She warmed it and I fed Joe most of it. I think it bothered me more than it did him. Then he drank a banana protein drink and some canned peaches, I chopped up for him. I was just glad to get some food down him. I think he can eat enough if they will take the time and patience to do it.

When I first got to the care home he was asleep, so I sat in his room and read one of my books for class I am taking on Judaism. I watched Joe, and he moves his hands all the time anymore, even in sleep. He was making things in air with his hands, and was asleep. He moves them all the time when he is awake also, and feeding him he is like feeding a 2 year old. He reaches for every one's glass and wants the glasses of people on both sides of him, and he knocked over his own glass. You have to watch him every second and watch his hands especially. At one time while he was asleep, he tried to take off his clothes. It is like his hands always have to be doing something.

Sitting at the table with him and seeing the blank eyes he has, and no comprehension of anything (barely) it is heart breaking. I would rather see him gone, than look into the blank eyes. I looked at all the people at the table, struggling just to eat, and know I never wanted to be in a home...ever. To me it is worse than death by far. When I left, I kissed Joe on the forehead and said "I love you." and he did say back "I love you.". I left there once again crying. It sometimes feels like more than I can bear, but of course, I can, just don't want to. I know my blogs are sad but this is a sad time, and a sad week. I told him today I was ok and I would be ok, and asked him if he realized I would be ok. I feel sometimes he is hanging on because he thinks I need him and doesn't want to leave me. I just want him to know I will be ok and he doesn't have to hang on for me. Chico said it best, when on Sunday she said, "Joe needs to go home." And she did not mean where I live.