A kick in the stomach

"A kick in the stomach", that is what Dr. Gary Martin (leader of the Alzheimer support group I attend) said to me yesterday when I told him Joe did not know my name twice this week when I went to see him. He has been working with dementia patients & training people to care for them, for 27 years, and he knows. I love it when someone like him looks right into my eyes, and knows my pain- sees it and feels it, and knows the right words to say. It is a real jolt of new pain when your husband does not know you, or know your name. After I tell him, then he seems to know and remember. I don't think he knows his own name anymore either.
But as Rev. Mitzi said to me last night, on some level he still knows you because he is getting mad at you. He got mad at me twice last evening. I am the only one he does that to, and it is because he knows he can do that with me and it is safe. We always know the people we can do that and get away with it, because they knows us and care about us, and we can't destroy what we have with them, just because we get mad at them. So Joe does seem to still know that.
But as the experts tell me, he is detaching. He has to detach, that is part of the process. So as sad as it is, it is all good and necessary.
Tomorrow I meet with his new hospice social worker and then later in afternoon Rev. Mitzi is coming to see Joe again and bringing Orgena Rose, a black jazz singer and beautiful songwriter and singer, to sing for Joe. I sure want to be there for that. She sings at my church and I know she is good and Joe will love her singing to him.