My Sunday morning thoughts

"Every decision you make...every decision...is not a decision about what to do.
It's a decision about who you are."

This is the first line of a quote Esther sent me last week. It is posted on my wall.
It makes me ask myself WHO AM I?
Wow, that is not easy to answer. Really, who am I?

I am loving and caring. I am generous. I accept responsibility for what I think and do.
I am God's child. I am worthy and deserve good things and happiness.
It is hard for me to really see who I am. I hope I am good.

That brings me to my decision on Joe. I want him to be in a safe place and well cared for.
I want him to know he is loved. I want only the best for him always.
But "who am I" by putting him in a home he does not want to be in?
Who am I? I want less stress, and I want more peace. I do not want to be a prisoner in my own home. I want to take evening classes again and become a licensed spiritual counselor/practitioner. I want freedom. But am I getting this by making Joe unhappy?
I want the answers to this. I cannot have what I want at the cost of making Joe unhappy.

I talked to his friend Don last night on the phone, and Don tells me Joe does not know where I am. He thinks I am on a trip but he is not sure anymore where I am. Joe thinks he is in the group home just while I am on a trip. He said "is Joe staying there?" And he asked me when I was going to tell Joe that he was. I said I would after the trip. But can I? I do not know.

It is best for me, but is it best for Joe? And why do I feel bad when I know he will never think it is best for him? Because I love him, and this hurts. I cry this morning over a decision that is so hard to make, and when I make it, who will it say that I am?????